at a club party

The line: [grabbing my hand, trying to pull me to the dancefloor] "Girl, you need some exercise. Come dance with me so I can work you out."

What I Heard: You're fat. I'm a personal trainer you don't want to use.

Why It's Wack: You must think I came here because the gym was closed. If you're so concerned with my health, you should offer to run a marathon with me, not bother me with your sorry excuse for Thursday night cardio.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I'm already sweaty and I'm a little concerned that you and your friends are making jokes about me [ed.- TRUE]. Maybe if you're sweaty too, I can get through the next hour without having to find a clean shirt somewhere."

Next time, try: dancing further away from me.

a short break...

you may (or may not) have noticed a little lull in posts in the past 8 months.

i wish i could say it was because the lines got better, but really i was on a little break from fun called work and more work.

apparently things are just as i left them. i guess it's time to get back on the case... stay tuned for some new gems and pass along whatever you've been saving up while i've been gone.

speechless

The line: "How are we ever going to get to know each other without some one on one time?"

What She Heard: "You have been successfully avoiding me, but I'm a little slow and I think one-on-one is the only way you'll really understand how great I think I am."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm not counting on the safety of our mutual friends to keep you from doing something crazy. If I ignore your offers of solo activities, it really does mean that three is the smallest prime number as far as our knowing each other is concerned.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't really have a knack for subtlety, but I don't want you to ignore me when we're in a group together. How can I make you feel so uncomfortable that you'll get different friends so I don't have to struggle with being around you and not being WITH you?"

Next time, try: enjoying the time you get to be around me, even when there are others between us on the couch. Better than nothing!

my last 7 days

The line: "You're hella cute." or "I like your glasses." or "I like your smile." or about 45 variations on that completely unoriginal theme.

What I Heard: "Can I get some Dave Chappelle tickets?"

Why It's Wack: You must think the glass window of this box office is opaque. Not true, I can see you and right through you. I know you are way more interested in my stack of wristbands than anything else about me.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I hit on you, you'll forget that you're working and lace me and my seven close friends with seats to the show."

Next time, try: buying tickets before they sell out. That's it.

outside the mcdonalds

The line: "Hey is it true that women with glasses get more passes because they have a tighter..well I won't say but you know what I'm saying."

What She Heard: "Can you buy me a sandwich?"

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming excuses bad taste. My cool glasses are not an invitation for conversation or vaguely complimentary comments on my body. They aren't bionic lenses, but I can see right through you.

I Think What You Meant Was: "You're cute. Maybe your prescription will make my McGame seem a little tighter to you."

Next time, try: keeping your mouth shut, hopeless.

at the bar, after some stimulating conversation

The line: "You're smarter than you look."

What She Heard: "I started talking to you because I thought you were pretty. Now that I know you have a brain under your pretty hair, I'm not really sure what to do."

Why It's Wack: You must think I got a JD so you can have something pretty on your arm. Actually, I probably have more analytical abilities than you and half your friends combined and you're lucky I've been talking to your dumb ass this long.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Your brain is hot."

Next time, try: matching my smarts with something that shows me you're worth any more of my time.

98% through a first date in uptown

The line:

Him: "I'm always scared I'm gonna get stabbed in this neighborhood."

Me: "Wow, that's lightweight racist."

Him: "I'm not racist, my wife is Black! I mean..."

What I heard: "I'm afraid of Black people and I totally lied about being single."

Why It's Wack: You must think coded racism is somehow safe. Clearly you missed the memo about uptown gentrification - the only person left who would stab you on 24th and Broadway is on my speed dial. And you'd deserve it for LYING ABOUT HAVING A WIFE.

What I Think You Meant Was: "I think you'll be impressed that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone for you. I'll demonstrate my understanding of common street crimes and also slip up on an important detail about my personal life that I was hoping not to reveal until after I've valiantly protected you from a sword-wielding crazy person."

Next time, try: staying home with your wife. Jerk.

**To be honest, I'm at a complete loss for words about this interaction. I'm surprised this many came out.

on the train

Brought to you by the neighborhood genius, Chinaka Hodge:

The Line: Have you heard of the publication Jet Magazine? You should contact them and see if they'll come and do a photo shoot. They have an 800 number that you can call.

What She Heard: You look like a throwback beauty of the week for a floundering barber shop mag who needs a toll free number in her world.

Why It's Wack: Perhaps I've lived under a rock my entire life, and have yet to discover the untold treasures of Jet... but to insinuate that I'm looking to be affirmed by posing in an outdated swimsuit, and that I should petition Jet for such an honor, utterly ridiculous.

I Think What You Meant Was: little sister, you look nice today. Best of luck to you in all you do.

Next time try: recycling your back issues and look for me on HBO. Or in the New York Times.

from an adjacent restaurant table

The line: "There's so many things to be happy about in the world. Here's my card. I want to bring you joy."

What She Heard: "Stop crying. Your petty problems can be solved with my art and wisdom. $29.95."

Why It's Wack: You must think the watercolored clinical psychology degree on your office wall has granted you magical powers. Not only should you never come at me when I'm drowning my sorrows in grits and eggs, but there is no room for you or your art in my inner circle. Erased!

I Think What You Meant Was: "I know I'm interrupting your tearful private conversation, but my art is revolutionary and I can't let you go on without it."

Next time, try: Minding your own waffle.

on repeat, at the club

The line: "Your thickness is my sickness... gurrrrl."

What She Heard: "I'm feeling woozy. Must be your mid-section."

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming neutralizes creepy behavior. Your persistence is less annoying than your apparent obsession with my thighs, but every good hook needs at least a verse and a chorus.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I like you so much, you've triggered my mild tourettes."

Next time, try: a new line after the first attempt doesn't yield your desired reaction. If rhyming is your thing, show your creativity with more than a one-liner.

to the chef

The line: "You are so cute. And your food smells so good."

What She Heard:"I'm hungry. In more ways than one."

Why It's Wack: You must think the shortest way to a woman's heart is through your stomach. Yes, a talented chef is hard to find, but your compliment is completely unimaginative.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want to hit on you. Quick! What's something I can talk about with you? Are you wearing a chef's jacket? Feed me!"

Next time, try: Buying a plate and telling your friends about my new restaurant. Just sayin.

on a (terrible) first date

The line: "You should take me back to your place so I can give you a shoulder massage. You look stressed."

What I Heard: "I want to see where you live so I can show up unannounced later. I'm impressed by your posture."

Why It's Wack: You must think your hands have the magic ability to shift time, space, and circumstance. The likelihood of my allowing you to get anywhere near my house after you've demonstrated a serious deficit in understanding social conventions is non-existent. You're lucky I didn't run out the door when you took off your shoe to scratch your foot, I really have no interest in that hand coming anywhere near me. Ever.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't know why you're making that face and sitting so far away from me, so I'll find a way to touch you and show you my intuitive side."

Next time, try: Avoiding the diagnoses and offers for treatment until I've asked you for a copy of your official transcript and letters of recommendation.

on a first date

The line: "I have trouble with being faithful."

What She Heard: "I will definitely cheat on you."

Why It's Wack: You must think honesty is always the best policy. In fact, it's sometimes best to keep "in progress" things to yourself. While it's mildly admirable that you've made this self-discovery, you should consider each new date an opportunity to practice breaking that nasty little habit.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I have cheated in the past, and I don't want you to get your hopes up about me, so I'll put it out on the table and if you run away, it's on you."

Next time, try: Walking the walk before you talk the talk.