Monday, May 20, 2013

another first date blunder...

The line: "I like spoiling my women. But not so she expects it or gets dependent on it. I have a question about feminism though - what more can I do as a guy to help?"

What I Heard: "I want to buy my way into your heart/bed. Oh, and your mind too, okay?"

Why It's Wack: You must think I need you for shiny objects and foot massages. Honestly, the best kind of spoiling is being man enough to recognize that our liberation is bound up in each others' ability to... nevermind.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I can tell you don't need me to take care of you, so I just want to let you know that I could if you let me. And if you don't let me, it's all your fault because I asked you how I could solve our global war on women and you didn't have a quick answer."

Next time, try: reading. Many books.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

at a club party

The line: [grabbing my hand, trying to pull me to the dancefloor] "Girl, you need some exercise. Come dance with me so I can work you out."

What I Heard: You're fat. I'm a personal trainer you don't want to use.

Why It's Wack: You must think I came here because the gym was closed. If you're so concerned with my health, you should offer to run a marathon with me, not bother me with your sorry excuse for Thursday night cardio.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I'm already sweaty and I'm a little concerned that you and your friends are making jokes about me [ed.- TRUE]. Maybe if you're sweaty too, I can get through the next hour without having to find a clean shirt somewhere."

Next time, try: dancing further away from me.

a short break...

you may (or may not) have noticed a little lull in posts in the past 8 months.

i wish i could say it was because the lines got better, but really i was on a little break from fun called work and more work.

apparently things are just as i left them. i guess it's time to get back on the case... stay tuned for some new gems and pass along whatever you've been saving up while i've been gone.

Friday, February 19, 2010


The line: "How are we ever going to get to know each other without some one on one time?"

What She Heard: "You have been successfully avoiding me, but I'm a little slow and I think one-on-one is the only way you'll really understand how great I think I am."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm not counting on the safety of our mutual friends to keep you from doing something crazy. If I ignore your offers of solo activities, it really does mean that three is the smallest prime number as far as our knowing each other is concerned.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't really have a knack for subtlety, but I don't want you to ignore me when we're in a group together. How can I make you feel so uncomfortable that you'll get different friends so I don't have to struggle with being around you and not being WITH you?"

Next time, try: enjoying the time you get to be around me, even when there are others between us on the couch. Better than nothing!

Monday, February 15, 2010

my last 7 days

The line: "You're hella cute." or "I like your glasses." or "I like your smile." or about 45 variations on that completely unoriginal theme.

What I Heard: "Can I get some Dave Chappelle tickets?"

Why It's Wack: You must think the glass window of this box office is opaque. Not true, I can see you and right through you. I know you are way more interested in my stack of wristbands than anything else about me.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I hit on you, you'll forget that you're working and lace me and my seven close friends with seats to the show."

Next time, try: buying tickets before they sell out. That's it.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

outside the mcdonalds

The line: "Hey is it true that women with glasses get more passes because they have a tighter..well I won't say but you know what I'm saying."

What She Heard: "Can you buy me a sandwich?"

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming excuses bad taste. My cool glasses are not an invitation for conversation or vaguely complimentary comments on my body. They aren't bionic lenses, but I can see right through you.

I Think What You Meant Was: "You're cute. Maybe your prescription will make my McGame seem a little tighter to you."

Next time, try: keeping your mouth shut, hopeless.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

at the bar, after some stimulating conversation

The line: "You're smarter than you look."

What She Heard: "I started talking to you because I thought you were pretty. Now that I know you have a brain under your pretty hair, I'm not really sure what to do."

Why It's Wack: You must think I got a JD so you can have something pretty on your arm. Actually, I probably have more analytical abilities than you and half your friends combined and you're lucky I've been talking to your dumb ass this long.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Your brain is hot."

Next time, try: matching my smarts with something that shows me you're worth any more of my time.