at a holiday party

The line: Me: "Please stop touching me." Him: "Oh, are you telling me you're agoraphobic?"

What I Heard: "I know I'm touching you too much for having just met you. I'll diagnose you with something and hope you've never heard of it."

Why It's Wack: You must think all women like shoulder rubs and arm squeezes from strangers. If I ask you to stop touching me, don't assume it's because there's something wrong with ME. You are pushing your luck that I won't break out my ninja skills and make it difficult for you to practice your handy tricks on anyone else.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want to touch you, and I'm surprised you aren't flattered by it. Maybe you'll like that I studied pyschological disorders and you'll change your mind."

Next time, try: Starting with a handshake and let me decide if I want other contact.

via text

The line: "I'm just drinkin and I thought of you."

What I Heard: "I'll avoid you when I'm sober, but gin makes me want to reach out and touch you. Hey, look! I have your phone number!"

Why It's Wack: You must think alcoholism is sexy. Or maybe that I'm somehow flattered that you've seen an apparition that vaguely resembles my face in the bottom of your glass.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm flaky and unreliable, but I want you to know that you're special enough to occasionally cross my mind."

Next time, try: Calling me before you're trashed.

on the street, after work

The line: "Can I take you to lunch? I know you like to eat, I've seen you out here before, you healthy."

What She Heard: "You look like you must eat 5 square meals a day. I know chunky chicks don't turn down food, so maybe you're hungry enough to let me take you for a meal. Also, you need a work out plan."

Why It's Wack: You must think the promise of food will wipe out my common sense. Why would I choose to share a meal with someone who is so clearly without intuition for a person's emotions or potential insecurities? Also, further evidence that parking lot pimpin' doesn't really work.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I think the only thing we might have in common is that we both eat lunch. Maybe if I let you know that I hover around your workplace enough to note your patterns of ingress and egress, you'll recognize that I'm attentive and appreciative of your routine. Also, I think you have a pulse, so that's a bonus."

Next time, try: Saying hello, offering me a prepared salad or sandwich (preferably with some sort of hygienic seal) with your name and number written on a napkin.

*Thanks to the unstoppable JL for this one.

at the end of the night

The line:

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"No, thank you."

"How about some milk then? Or chocolate milk? You look like you drink chocolate milk."

What I Heard: "I would like you to be as drunk as I am. And something about my bodily fluids."

Why It's Wack: You must think a flashback to my elementary school cafeteria will distract me from your thinly-veiled attempt to assess my interest in your, uh, dairy products. Also, you clearly missed the day at farm camp where we learned that chocolate milk doesn't come from special cows, it's just regular milk with a human intervention.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Let's use alcohol to lower our inhibitions. No? Let me make you feel as insignificant as I do and hide my cracked ego behind an inappropriate sexual reference."

Next time, try: Offering me some water.

in the Trader Joe's parking lot

The line: "My name's Lee, I'm 49, I'm single, no wife, no kids... where you goin?"

What I Heard: "Please let me flood you with unsolicited information about myself so I seem non-threatening and you stop to talk to me."

Why It's Wack: You must think I came here looking for someone to take home and cook for. While your vitals are fascinating, your attempt at transparency makes me pretty sure you're probably hiding something. Something big. Like an STD or a penchant for chopping women into tiny pieces and hiding us in the frozen food section next to the pizzas.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I make myself seem really available, you won't notice that this is a parking lot and I haven't bathed in a few days."

Next time, try: Striking up a conversation by the yogurt or the salad mix. Save the life story for when you've cooked me dinner and I've asked you some questions about yourself.

@ the bar

The line: "Are you Black? I like your lips and your way in the world."

What I Heard: "You seem racially ambiguous, I think I'll reduce you to an appealing body part and show you my capacity for new age mind-speak."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm a willing participant in your anthropological study. It's not generally a good idea to run a physical compliment and a pseudo-psychological analysis so close together. It makes the whole attempt (and thus, you) seem fake. Or creepy. Or both.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want you to know I noticed something about you, but I don't want you to think I'm all about the physical, so I'll say something so you'll think I'm deep."

Next time, try: Starting out with a commonly socially-acceptable greeting (like "hello"), and save the physical compliments for later when you actually know a little bit about who I am and what's important to me.

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