Friday, February 19, 2010


The line: "How are we ever going to get to know each other without some one on one time?"

What She Heard: "You have been successfully avoiding me, but I'm a little slow and I think one-on-one is the only way you'll really understand how great I think I am."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm not counting on the safety of our mutual friends to keep you from doing something crazy. If I ignore your offers of solo activities, it really does mean that three is the smallest prime number as far as our knowing each other is concerned.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't really have a knack for subtlety, but I don't want you to ignore me when we're in a group together. How can I make you feel so uncomfortable that you'll get different friends so I don't have to struggle with being around you and not being WITH you?"

Next time, try: enjoying the time you get to be around me, even when there are others between us on the couch. Better than nothing!

Monday, February 15, 2010

my last 7 days

The line: "You're hella cute." or "I like your glasses." or "I like your smile." or about 45 variations on that completely unoriginal theme.

What I Heard: "Can I get some Dave Chappelle tickets?"

Why It's Wack: You must think the glass window of this box office is opaque. Not true, I can see you and right through you. I know you are way more interested in my stack of wristbands than anything else about me.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I hit on you, you'll forget that you're working and lace me and my seven close friends with seats to the show."

Next time, try: buying tickets before they sell out. That's it.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

outside the mcdonalds

The line: "Hey is it true that women with glasses get more passes because they have a tighter..well I won't say but you know what I'm saying."

What She Heard: "Can you buy me a sandwich?"

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming excuses bad taste. My cool glasses are not an invitation for conversation or vaguely complimentary comments on my body. They aren't bionic lenses, but I can see right through you.

I Think What You Meant Was: "You're cute. Maybe your prescription will make my McGame seem a little tighter to you."

Next time, try: keeping your mouth shut, hopeless.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

at the bar, after some stimulating conversation

The line: "You're smarter than you look."

What She Heard: "I started talking to you because I thought you were pretty. Now that I know you have a brain under your pretty hair, I'm not really sure what to do."

Why It's Wack: You must think I got a JD so you can have something pretty on your arm. Actually, I probably have more analytical abilities than you and half your friends combined and you're lucky I've been talking to your dumb ass this long.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Your brain is hot."

Next time, try: matching my smarts with something that shows me you're worth any more of my time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

98% through a first date in uptown

The line:
Him: "I'm always scared I'm gonna get stabbed in this neighborhood."
Me: "Wow, that's lightweight racist."
Him: "I'm not racist, my wife is Black! I mean..."

What I heard: "I'm afraid of Black people and I totally lied about being single."

Why It's Wack: You must think coded racism is somehow safe. Clearly you missed the memo about uptown gentrification - the only person left who would stab you on 24th and Broadway is on my speed dial. And you'd deserve it for LYING ABOUT HAVING A WIFE.

What I Think You Meant Was: "I think you'll be impressed that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone for you. I'll demonstrate my understanding of common street crimes and also slip up on an important detail about my personal life that I was hoping not to reveal until after I've valiantly protected you from a sword-wielding crazy person."

Next time, try: staying home with your wife. Jerk.

**To be honest, I'm at a complete loss for words about this interaction. I'm surprised this many came out.