another first date blunder...

The line: "I like spoiling my women. But not so she expects it or gets dependent on it. I have a question about feminism though - what more can I do as a guy to help?"

What I Heard: "I want to buy my way into your heart/bed. Oh, and your mind too, okay?"

Why It's Wack: You must think I need you for shiny objects and foot massages. Honestly, the best kind of spoiling is being man enough to recognize that our liberation is bound up in each others' ability to... nevermind.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I can tell you don't need me to take care of you, so I just want to let you know that I could if you let me. And if you don't let me, it's all your fault because I asked you how I could solve our global war on women and you didn't have a quick answer."

Next time, try: reading. Many books.

at a club party

The line: [grabbing my hand, trying to pull me to the dancefloor] "Girl, you need some exercise. Come dance with me so I can work you out."

What I Heard: You're fat. I'm a personal trainer you don't want to use.

Why It's Wack: You must think I came here because the gym was closed. If you're so concerned with my health, you should offer to run a marathon with me, not bother me with your sorry excuse for Thursday night cardio.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I'm already sweaty and I'm a little concerned that you and your friends are making jokes about me [ed.- TRUE]. Maybe if you're sweaty too, I can get through the next hour without having to find a clean shirt somewhere."

Next time, try: dancing further away from me.

a short break...

you may (or may not) have noticed a little lull in posts in the past 8 months.

i wish i could say it was because the lines got better, but really i was on a little break from fun called work and more work.

apparently things are just as i left them. i guess it's time to get back on the case... stay tuned for some new gems and pass along whatever you've been saving up while i've been gone.

speechless

The line: "How are we ever going to get to know each other without some one on one time?"

What She Heard: "You have been successfully avoiding me, but I'm a little slow and I think one-on-one is the only way you'll really understand how great I think I am."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm not counting on the safety of our mutual friends to keep you from doing something crazy. If I ignore your offers of solo activities, it really does mean that three is the smallest prime number as far as our knowing each other is concerned.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't really have a knack for subtlety, but I don't want you to ignore me when we're in a group together. How can I make you feel so uncomfortable that you'll get different friends so I don't have to struggle with being around you and not being WITH you?"

Next time, try: enjoying the time you get to be around me, even when there are others between us on the couch. Better than nothing!

my last 7 days

The line: "You're hella cute." or "I like your glasses." or "I like your smile." or about 45 variations on that completely unoriginal theme.

What I Heard: "Can I get some Dave Chappelle tickets?"

Why It's Wack: You must think the glass window of this box office is opaque. Not true, I can see you and right through you. I know you are way more interested in my stack of wristbands than anything else about me.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I hit on you, you'll forget that you're working and lace me and my seven close friends with seats to the show."

Next time, try: buying tickets before they sell out. That's it.

outside the mcdonalds

The line: "Hey is it true that women with glasses get more passes because they have a tighter..well I won't say but you know what I'm saying."

What She Heard: "Can you buy me a sandwich?"

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming excuses bad taste. My cool glasses are not an invitation for conversation or vaguely complimentary comments on my body. They aren't bionic lenses, but I can see right through you.

I Think What You Meant Was: "You're cute. Maybe your prescription will make my McGame seem a little tighter to you."

Next time, try: keeping your mouth shut, hopeless.

at the bar, after some stimulating conversation

The line: "You're smarter than you look."

What She Heard: "I started talking to you because I thought you were pretty. Now that I know you have a brain under your pretty hair, I'm not really sure what to do."

Why It's Wack: You must think I got a JD so you can have something pretty on your arm. Actually, I probably have more analytical abilities than you and half your friends combined and you're lucky I've been talking to your dumb ass this long.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Your brain is hot."

Next time, try: matching my smarts with something that shows me you're worth any more of my time.

98% through a first date in uptown

The line:

Him: "I'm always scared I'm gonna get stabbed in this neighborhood."

Me: "Wow, that's lightweight racist."

Him: "I'm not racist, my wife is Black! I mean..."

What I heard: "I'm afraid of Black people and I totally lied about being single."

Why It's Wack: You must think coded racism is somehow safe. Clearly you missed the memo about uptown gentrification - the only person left who would stab you on 24th and Broadway is on my speed dial. And you'd deserve it for LYING ABOUT HAVING A WIFE.

What I Think You Meant Was: "I think you'll be impressed that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone for you. I'll demonstrate my understanding of common street crimes and also slip up on an important detail about my personal life that I was hoping not to reveal until after I've valiantly protected you from a sword-wielding crazy person."

Next time, try: staying home with your wife. Jerk.

**To be honest, I'm at a complete loss for words about this interaction. I'm surprised this many came out.

on the train

Brought to you by the neighborhood genius, Chinaka Hodge:

The Line: Have you heard of the publication Jet Magazine? You should contact them and see if they'll come and do a photo shoot. They have an 800 number that you can call.

What She Heard: You look like a throwback beauty of the week for a floundering barber shop mag who needs a toll free number in her world.

Why It's Wack: Perhaps I've lived under a rock my entire life, and have yet to discover the untold treasures of Jet... but to insinuate that I'm looking to be affirmed by posing in an outdated swimsuit, and that I should petition Jet for such an honor, utterly ridiculous.

I Think What You Meant Was: little sister, you look nice today. Best of luck to you in all you do.

Next time try: recycling your back issues and look for me on HBO. Or in the New York Times.

from an adjacent restaurant table

The line: "There's so many things to be happy about in the world. Here's my card. I want to bring you joy."

What She Heard: "Stop crying. Your petty problems can be solved with my art and wisdom. $29.95."

Why It's Wack: You must think the watercolored clinical psychology degree on your office wall has granted you magical powers. Not only should you never come at me when I'm drowning my sorrows in grits and eggs, but there is no room for you or your art in my inner circle. Erased!

I Think What You Meant Was: "I know I'm interrupting your tearful private conversation, but my art is revolutionary and I can't let you go on without it."

Next time, try: Minding your own waffle.

on repeat, at the club

The line: "Your thickness is my sickness... gurrrrl."

What She Heard: "I'm feeling woozy. Must be your mid-section."

Why It's Wack: You must think rhyming neutralizes creepy behavior. Your persistence is less annoying than your apparent obsession with my thighs, but every good hook needs at least a verse and a chorus.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I like you so much, you've triggered my mild tourettes."

Next time, try: a new line after the first attempt doesn't yield your desired reaction. If rhyming is your thing, show your creativity with more than a one-liner.

to the chef

The line: "You are so cute. And your food smells so good."

What She Heard:"I'm hungry. In more ways than one."

Why It's Wack: You must think the shortest way to a woman's heart is through your stomach. Yes, a talented chef is hard to find, but your compliment is completely unimaginative.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want to hit on you. Quick! What's something I can talk about with you? Are you wearing a chef's jacket? Feed me!"

Next time, try: Buying a plate and telling your friends about my new restaurant. Just sayin.

on a (terrible) first date

The line: "You should take me back to your place so I can give you a shoulder massage. You look stressed."

What I Heard: "I want to see where you live so I can show up unannounced later. I'm impressed by your posture."

Why It's Wack: You must think your hands have the magic ability to shift time, space, and circumstance. The likelihood of my allowing you to get anywhere near my house after you've demonstrated a serious deficit in understanding social conventions is non-existent. You're lucky I didn't run out the door when you took off your shoe to scratch your foot, I really have no interest in that hand coming anywhere near me. Ever.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I don't know why you're making that face and sitting so far away from me, so I'll find a way to touch you and show you my intuitive side."

Next time, try: Avoiding the diagnoses and offers for treatment until I've asked you for a copy of your official transcript and letters of recommendation.

on a first date

The line: "I have trouble with being faithful."

What She Heard: "I will definitely cheat on you."

Why It's Wack: You must think honesty is always the best policy. In fact, it's sometimes best to keep "in progress" things to yourself. While it's mildly admirable that you've made this self-discovery, you should consider each new date an opportunity to practice breaking that nasty little habit.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I have cheated in the past, and I don't want you to get your hopes up about me, so I'll put it out on the table and if you run away, it's on you."

Next time, try: Walking the walk before you talk the talk.

at a holiday party

The line: Me: "Please stop touching me." Him: "Oh, are you telling me you're agoraphobic?"

What I Heard: "I know I'm touching you too much for having just met you. I'll diagnose you with something and hope you've never heard of it."

Why It's Wack: You must think all women like shoulder rubs and arm squeezes from strangers. If I ask you to stop touching me, don't assume it's because there's something wrong with ME. You are pushing your luck that I won't break out my ninja skills and make it difficult for you to practice your handy tricks on anyone else.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want to touch you, and I'm surprised you aren't flattered by it. Maybe you'll like that I studied pyschological disorders and you'll change your mind."

Next time, try: Starting with a handshake and let me decide if I want other contact.

via text

The line: "I'm just drinkin and I thought of you."

What I Heard: "I'll avoid you when I'm sober, but gin makes me want to reach out and touch you. Hey, look! I have your phone number!"

Why It's Wack: You must think alcoholism is sexy. Or maybe that I'm somehow flattered that you've seen an apparition that vaguely resembles my face in the bottom of your glass.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm flaky and unreliable, but I want you to know that you're special enough to occasionally cross my mind."

Next time, try: Calling me before you're trashed.

on the street, after work

The line: "Can I take you to lunch? I know you like to eat, I've seen you out here before, you healthy."

What She Heard: "You look like you must eat 5 square meals a day. I know chunky chicks don't turn down food, so maybe you're hungry enough to let me take you for a meal. Also, you need a work out plan."

Why It's Wack: You must think the promise of food will wipe out my common sense. Why would I choose to share a meal with someone who is so clearly without intuition for a person's emotions or potential insecurities? Also, further evidence that parking lot pimpin' doesn't really work.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I think the only thing we might have in common is that we both eat lunch. Maybe if I let you know that I hover around your workplace enough to note your patterns of ingress and egress, you'll recognize that I'm attentive and appreciative of your routine. Also, I think you have a pulse, so that's a bonus."

Next time, try: Saying hello, offering me a prepared salad or sandwich (preferably with some sort of hygienic seal) with your name and number written on a napkin.

*Thanks to the unstoppable JL for this one.

at the end of the night

The line:

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"No, thank you."

"How about some milk then? Or chocolate milk? You look like you drink chocolate milk."

What I Heard: "I would like you to be as drunk as I am. And something about my bodily fluids."

Why It's Wack: You must think a flashback to my elementary school cafeteria will distract me from your thinly-veiled attempt to assess my interest in your, uh, dairy products. Also, you clearly missed the day at farm camp where we learned that chocolate milk doesn't come from special cows, it's just regular milk with a human intervention.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Let's use alcohol to lower our inhibitions. No? Let me make you feel as insignificant as I do and hide my cracked ego behind an inappropriate sexual reference."

Next time, try: Offering me some water.

in the Trader Joe's parking lot

The line: "My name's Lee, I'm 49, I'm single, no wife, no kids... where you goin?"

What I Heard: "Please let me flood you with unsolicited information about myself so I seem non-threatening and you stop to talk to me."

Why It's Wack: You must think I came here looking for someone to take home and cook for. While your vitals are fascinating, your attempt at transparency makes me pretty sure you're probably hiding something. Something big. Like an STD or a penchant for chopping women into tiny pieces and hiding us in the frozen food section next to the pizzas.

I Think What You Meant Was: "Maybe if I make myself seem really available, you won't notice that this is a parking lot and I haven't bathed in a few days."

Next time, try: Striking up a conversation by the yogurt or the salad mix. Save the life story for when you've cooked me dinner and I've asked you some questions about yourself.

@ the bar

The line: "Are you Black? I like your lips and your way in the world."

What I Heard: "You seem racially ambiguous, I think I'll reduce you to an appealing body part and show you my capacity for new age mind-speak."

Why It's Wack: You must think I'm a willing participant in your anthropological study. It's not generally a good idea to run a physical compliment and a pseudo-psychological analysis so close together. It makes the whole attempt (and thus, you) seem fake. Or creepy. Or both.

I Think What You Meant Was: "I want you to know I noticed something about you, but I don't want you to think I'm all about the physical, so I'll say something so you'll think I'm deep."

Next time, try: Starting out with a commonly socially-acceptable greeting (like "hello"), and save the physical compliments for later when you actually know a little bit about who I am and what's important to me.